The Many Faces of Domestic Violence
Story by Emily Messall | Photos by Kassandra Eller | Design & Photo Illustration by Krista Kok
‘Why don’t you just leave ? It’s not that hard.’
These are words typically spoken by someone who has never experienced the terrifying reality of domestic violence every hour of the day.
Domestic violence is so much more complex and emotionally-charged than hidden cuts and bruises. It can be mental, emotional and physi - cal. Anyone can suffer from domestic violence, and it can occur anywhere — even right here on CWU’s campus.
Between July 1, 2018 and June 30, 2019 there were 47 reported cases of domestic violence at CWU, according to Kristen Perry, violence prevention and response coordinator for The Wellness Center.
This may seem like a small portion of the stu - dent body, but even one or two cases is enough to be alarmed about the safety of students. There are many forms of domestic violence between different types of relationships that are a part of these reported cases.
Where Domestic Violence Can Hide
What many people don’t know is that your room - mate is viewed as a domestic partner by law. This means that if there is a verbal or physical dispute between roommates, this can be reported as do - mestic violence, according to Perry.
Domestic violence can involve roommates in addition to romantic partners. It isn’t simply what you might see on TV or hear in the news; it’s not always a man physically abusing a woman. Perry says, “It can happen to anybody … between heterosexual people, homosexual people [or] anyone in the LGBTQ+ community.”
Regardless of sexuality or gender, domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. “It can happen by anyone,” Perry adds. “It can happen between two women. It can happen between two men. It can happen [where] a woman can be abusing a man.”
Domestic violence also doesn’t just happen to younger couples or at the beginning of relationships. It can happen at any age and at any point in a relationship, no matter how long those people have been together. Rony Rivenburgh, senior Sociology major, can attest to this after witnessing domestic violence between her parents while she was growing up.
Scars, bruises, welts and more are only a few signs that someone may be suffering from vi - violence. While physical abuse can be the most obvious indicator that there is a situation occur - ring in the relationship, it certainly isn’t the only indicator.
Perry mentions, “A lot of people will think that domestic violence is just physical, but it can be emotional and mental as well.” It can be hard for people to recognize what emotional and mental abuse looks like and how it can be separated from other forms of harassment.
“Manipulation, jealousy, belittling [and] guilting” can be indicators of emotional or mental abuse, according to Perry.
Some relationships may also have sexual abuse present. Perry says that this can include being “pressured into any type of sexual activity, … withholding information on STIs [or] controlling birth control, like birth control pills [and] also condom usage.”
There is also a common misconception that sexual assault can’t happen in intimate partner relationships. Assault and abuse can occur in any type of relationship.
While sexual abuse and sexual assault are different, they can come hand-in-hand. Perry differentiates, “There is sexual assault and then there is sexual assault within an abusive relation - ship.” The misconception that a person cannot sexually assault their partner isn’t true.
Another lesser known type of domestic vio - lence is financial abuse. The website for The One Love Foundation, an organization that advocates for domestic violence victims, notes that finan - cial abuse encompasses a lot of things.
It lists controlling finances, giving an allow - ance of money, limiting hours a partner can work or not allowing them to work at all, purposefully ruining credit score or doing things that may make it so that that person cannot be financially stable on their own, as indicators of financial abuse.
Domestic violence is not universal but anyone can fall victim to physical, emotional, mental or financial abuse.
Victims and Red Flags
Not only does the violence affect the partners in a relationship, it can also affect people outside of that relationship as well. For Rivenburgh, watch - ing domestic violence take place in her own home warped her view on relationships.
“Children that grow up in violent homes are strongly impacted by the violence,” notes the Psychology Today website. “Children that grow up in violent homes at a young age, who become violent adults have not had someone to give them sufficient support, nurturing, guidance, boundaries and an adequately healthy environment for them to overcome their experiences.”
For those outside of the home, it can also be traumatizing to see loved ones or friends experience domestic violence.
Hannah Blinstrub, Human Resources assistant at UTZ Snacks, student educator at Right at School and former classmate of the author, Emily Messall, experienced the death of a close friend as a direct result of domestic violence.
After her friend’s death, Blinstrub says that her view of relationships was greatly altered and she started to become more aware of unhealthy signs in relationships around her.
However, for many individuals, it isn’t as easy as it may sound to notice the red flags of an unhealthy relationship.
The One Love Foundation’s website notes that intensity, possessiveness, manipulation, isolation, sabotage, belittling, guilting, volatility, deflecting responsibility and betrayal are warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.
But noticing these signs doesn’t always mean that someone is able to leave the situation immediately. There is a common stigma surrounding domestic violence related to the idea that the victim could choose to leave if they truly wanted to. If they know their relationship is unhealthy for them, why do they stay?
Staci Sleigh-Layman, executive director of Human Resources for CWU, notes, “Any person that puts up with behavior, they’ve learned to put up with [that] behavior. There’s some other stuff going on; like you’re afraid to come forward.”
In addition to fear, Sleigh-Layman mentions that victims often “don’t have the emotional resources, they don’t have the monetary resources [and] they can’t see a way from point A to point B.”
It can be difficult to leave a situation when you don’t know where you’re going afterward or what resources are available to you.
Finding Help
It can be hard to know what to do if you or someone you know are stuck in a situation that may be considered domestic violence. Sergeant Andy Bayne with the University Police and Public Safety department advises victims or witnesses, “Call 911 immediately; even if they’re questioning it, dial 911.”
In addition to contacting the police, reaching out to those you trust to help you through the situation can be a good next step.
Sleigh-Layman adds, “I wish I could say that this stuff doesn’t take courage, but it does.” She suggests that it could be helpful to find “the people that can support you in the process.”
Support can be an important part of gaining the courage to find help for yourself or for someone you know. Perry says that she wants victims to know “they’re not alone. And that, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon to be in an abusive relationship or a situation like this and there are resources that are here to help and care for them.”
There are so many resources both on and off-campus for victims of domestic violence and learning about these options can be a good place to start.
As on-campus resources, Bayne points to the Wellness Center and the Rape Aggression Defense (RAD) program. While acknowledging that RAD should be used as more of a preparative self-defense course, Bayne says that it’s a one-credit physical education class offered to students.
In addition to where she works at The Wellness Center, Perry recommends the Student Medical and Counseling Clinic and CWU’s website, We Care. Abuse Support and Prevention Education Now (ASPEN) and Comprehensive Mental Health Counseling are also two off-campus resources that are intended to help domestic violence victims.
A piece of advice Blinstrub offers for people witnessing or experiencing domestic violence is to “reach out and get out. It’s okay to run away from toxic relationships.”
Domestic violence can be a difficult situation to handle, whether you are in it yourself or you know someone who is. Remember that there are resources for victims of domestic violence, and you are not alone.
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