The Many Hands You'll Hold in College
Story by Kat White | Photos by Dylan Hanson & Gracen Bayer | Design by Sarah Stewart
Love. Trust. Commitment. All these things exist in the relationships we hold, whether that is with ourselves or a partner.
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Each one is unique to the individual and couple that is participating in it. It takes time to figure out what you want from yourself and a partner.
Cindy Bruns, the director of Counseling Services, says, “College for traditionally aged students is a time of a lot of growth and exploration,” Bruns says. “Who am I? Individually, who am I in a relationship with other people? What do I value? What do I like? What do I not like?”
These are important questions students ask themselves when they are in college.
“Relationships are really integral across our lifespan,” Bruns says. “This particular developmental mark for traditional-age students, they may become maybe even more important, which can lead to the difficulty in balancing relationships with all of the other obligations and developmental tests that folks are having to navigate during this time of life.”
Students have to find what they are comfortable with and grow with themselves or other people. This helps them both grow as an individual and potentially with a partner.
Status = Single
Being single is very complex. People can label themselves as single and still casually go on dates. People can label themselves as single and have zero romantic interactions. No matter what kind of single life someone finds themselves nestled in, each one is important for growth.
It Starts with You:
According to Bruns, being single is a time to explore yourself, similar to when you're exploring someone in a relationship.
“It also provides you with the opportunity to really just explore a number of different relationships and understand who you are and what you want within the relationship because it takes off the pressure,” says Bruns.
Eden McOmber, senior psychology major, says, “being single, you kind of wonder what type of person fits me. It's also learning how to date in the future.”
McOmber says that there are advantages to being single, like not having the pressure to spend all of their time with someone, but there are also disadvantages like not having a cuddle buddy.
“It's always nice to have someone to cuddle with or like having someone to say you're beautiful,” McOmber says. “There are times that you just need someone to vent with.”
Being single does not mean that you are alone though. Bruns said that we are driven to connect and have relationships with people.
“Being single doesn't mean you can't have relationships,” Bruns says. “If you can take away the pressure of needing to be in a partnered relationship or find the one or whatever kind of cultural myths are out there. Then it also provides you with the opportunity to really just explore a number of different relationships and understand who you are and what you want within a relationship.”
Swipe Right:
Dating apps, meeting at Club 301 or bumping into someone on the way to class are a number of ways for students to meet a potential partner.
“Hookup culture can be a way for people to explore their sexuality and their sexual orientations and to take possession of their bodies and make decisions about what they do with their bodies with whom and when and all of those things that can feel very empowering for folks,” says Bruns.
People can attempt to use hookup culture in a way to reclaim their bodies after a loss of control, Bruns says. It is important to reflect on a student’s values when going on casual dates, according to Bruns.
Bruns says a student’s “values and motivations behind it are an important part of successfully navigating hookup culture in a way that leaves people feeling good at the end, rather than feeling isolated.”
Dating apps are a form of dating that McOmber participates in. McOmber said that she enjoys dating apps, but she is cautious.
“It's also a bit scary because you don't know if they're catfishing you,” McOmber says. “That's why sometimes I would have my friends to go in the food place before and be like, ‘Yeah, he's real.’”
No Labels:
Seeing someone regularly but not being exclusively partnered defines a situationship.
“Those are really a great opportunity,” Bruns says. “So often there's this rush to put a label on something or define the relationship because sometimes it's hard not knowing.”
Bruns said the slow build-up with this kind of relationship can be more beneficial to the relationship as a whole.
“If it does transform in some way there's perhaps more depth to it and more understanding and walking into something with your eyes wide open rather than colored with the sort of infatuation that can come from quickly developing relationships that blind us to some things, but then surprise us later on,” says Bruns.
Situationships can lead to some anxieties without the definitions, according to Bruns.
Bruns says, “If folks can kind of talk that through and acknowledge those anxiety feelings and talk with each other about it, it can be really positive too.”
Bruns says that not all of these types of relationships end up in exclusive partnering.
“Not every relationship has to end up being a partnered relationship even if there's an attraction, physical attraction or mental attraction,” Bruns says. “It's okay for those relationships to stay friendships too. There's not a fated road that a relationship has to go down.”
Romantic Relationships:
College relationships take many forms. There are those who are bending on one knee or updating their bio with a heart next to someone’s name.
Hey Boo:
When a relationship is official, there are clear expectations about who someone is dating and clear agreements about what the relationship means, according to Bruns.
“Psychologically that just gives us a lot of comfort,” Bruns says. “Exclusive dating or partner dating in college gives us a really great opportunity to also learn about staying in relationships in the midst of conflict and really working through difficult things with someone.”
Sometimes the relationships need to be dissolved if the conflict becomes too big, says Bruns.
“It can be easy as a couple to then focus just on time with each other, which means you might miss out on other important parts of the college experience like clubs or orgs, or going to events or developing other friendships,” Bruns says.
Bruns says that in college it is important to nurture friendships and one’s own interests while also nurturing the relationship. Bruns states that building your network, in and out of romantic partnerships, is beneficial.
“The ability to have a kind of wide and deep network of people who are supportive and care for us can fill us with different needs at different times is really important,” Bruns says.
Two alumni, Gabriel Strasbaugh, a former Pulse writer, and Djjin McCarter have been dating for two and a half years. They said they credit CWU with the start of their relationship.
“I definitely credit CWU, because it was a definite,” Strasbaugh says. “It was a centerpiece, just like Central was the center where everyone came together from all kinds of walks of life. I was lucky enough to meet her.”
Letting a relationship grow and mature is important in a relationship, according to McCarter.
“I was seeing it every day. I was seeing change and growth over a period of time,” McCarter says. “Relationships grow and change and us being able to look back on when we were just friends and acknowledging the change and growth, helps us to look forward and to be excited for the future growth.”
Strasbaugh says he liked the security of having a girlfriend in college.
“I was able to say, ‘She's going to understand that I have to go and do this assignment,’” Strasbaugh says. “That to me was big in college because when you're in college, you truly get tested. You get tested beyond belief.”
Strasbaugh and McCarter both say that sharing goals was an important part of college relationships.
“You both have the same goals in terms of I have to get this assignment done,” Strausbaugh says. “I have to get this test done. I have to study and that's something that you can definitely relate to one another.”
Separate but Connected:
Long distance relationships have a lot more planning involved, according to Bruns.
“There's the desire for that physical closeness,” Bruns says. “It also requires a lot more intentionality, about spending time together and being able to be together in whatever way works best.”
Sara Twedt, CWU paramedic major, and Mac Owens, Western Washington University art studio major, are currently in a long distance relationship. They met in high school and have continued dating through college.
“It definitely strengthens your emotional relationship without having any of the physical aspects of it,” Twedt says. “Which for some people, that's make or break but for us, it's been good just to work on our communication and get to know each other better at the beginning.”
Along with communication, having independent lives is an advantage Bruns said.
“We're pretty understanding about each other's lives,” Owens says. “It doesn't revolve around each other. We're independent, but like to complement each other. So, that's what I've always liked about our relationship.”
Twedt and Owens both mention that it was important for their relationship to start off together before moving to long distance. Owens says that it was difficult to start long distance, but knowing each other before helped.
Bruns says there is a disadvantage with long distance couples not developing a relationship with the people and place that they live in.
“Long distance relationships also require a lot of trust and a really solid foundation before people go into a long-distance relationship,” Bruns says. “Otherwise, it can sometimes for folks lead to questioning or jealousy or uncertainty.”
There is also the added difficulty of not being able to participate in a significant other's love language like physical touch, according to Owens and Twedt.
“Both our love languages are physical touch,” Twedt says. “We just tried to make up for it by trying to do little FaceTime dates and talking every day, playing games, stuff like that and then visiting whenever we can.”
Put a Ring on It:
College students are getting engaged and married. Because traditionally aged college students are going through a time of change and exploration, a marriage must be able to reflect that, according to Bruns.
“The marriage relationship or the engagement relationship means being able to tolerate change because who you are if you decide to get married at 18 may be very different to who you are when you're 24 together,” Bruns says.
Going through those relationships with other people at an early age can sometimes lead people to not realize their preferences, according to Bruns.
“You might not have learned what it means to be committed to an individual as well as develop your own relationship network,” Bruns says. “On the positive side, you go through big growth together and experience college and learning and growing in those ways.”
The culture of these days tends towards dating for a long time and then getting married, says Bruns.
“There can be this kind of idea that being married is just like the legal step and nothing really changes,” Bruns says. “I can say from my personal experience dating long term and getting married, there is something psychological about signing that piece of paper and making it legal that shifts expectations and a certain level of commitment.”
Put Yourself First:
“The underpinning of all of this is no matter what the type of relationship: single, situationship, hooking up, exclusive, marriage, all that, we bring our entire relational history with us into each of those experiences,” Bruns says.
Focusing on a person’s needs is the most important thing in navigating the dating life in college, according to Bruns.
“That will be a different combination for each person at different points in their life,” Bruns says. “Tuning into yourself is the most important piece and being able to enter into various relationships in a healthy manner.”
