Healthy Relationships and How to Go About Them
Story by Brian Valencia | Design by Rody Farr | Photos by Jakob Burnham
Healthy Relationships and How to Go About Them
We all have different answers to what makes a healthy relationship— communication, trust, respect, space. A relationship can go from zero to ten and back again if you aren’t careful. Healthy relationships require work and patience.
According to the Pew Research Center, only 47% of American adults have been married or in a committed relationship for over five years. While maintaining a healthy relationship may not come naturally to all, there are always steps for old and young relationships to build strong, healthy, long-lasting relationships.
Maturing Relationships
Megan Foster, left, and partner Trent Bates
Establishing a healthy base is one of the first steps to fostering a healthy relationship. “Seeing the way that we were as kids and seeing how we are now, it's really rewarding,” says PULSE WRITER Megan Foster, who has been in a three-year relationship with Trent Bates, a junior Event Management major. “To grow with the person that you love and to see how your vision changes for what you want in life and how it changes with them,” says Foster.
Maturing and growing with your partner sets up a successful foundation. Knowing you both have similar outcomes for the future might help continue to grow that foundation for future years.
Bates and Foster, for example, have similar visions for what’s head. “I hope to marry her and start a family, and you know, maybe not live the white picket fence life, but live a nice life with her,” says Bates. Foster shares similar views about their future, adding that it’s something they’ve discussed.
“I think you see it mostly in young couples, where they make a fast decision of what they want to do in the relationship,” says Bates. Being young has the advantage of allowing the relationship to grow without rushing big decisions.
Having those conversations early helps avoid future problems in a relationship. This also comes with lots of patience. Foster acknowledges how a big part of their relationship is based on understanding. “Patience and understanding of each other, being able to sit down and truly talk about how you're feeling and the other person being able to listen to it,” says Foster.
No communication and no patience hurts couples in today's relationship scene. Foster points out the flaws of the “red flag” culture and how not giving others a chance to present themselves prevents growth opportunities. “In the age in which we live, with everything being so digital, there's so much immediate distress. And people, they're so quick to just see one thing and immediately shut the other person down, or turn them out or shut everything off,” says Foster.
On a similar note, Foster points out how there might be situations where red flags can be too much. “If there's too many red flags, I'm not saying just like, overlook them. Don’t think of everything as just fine.”
Don’t be quick to throw a relationship away if there’s a problem. Allow your partner to express themselves without getting absorbed by emotions. Without reasons to break up, don’t be too hasty to leave.
Learning to Understand
As stated earlier, understanding your partner can go a long way, but you must also understand yourself.
“Curiosity instead of defensiveness or reaction,” says Andrea Utzinger, a private mental health therapist with 27 years of experience. Understanding your “mental bruises” will help you understand how your reactions may impact your partner. Mental bruises are sensitive topics or ideas that make you react with strong emotions. “You're going to bump into your partner's bruises,” says Utzinger, “they're going to react, and oftentimes the way they react then bumps, this other person's bruises, and then you get this negative cycle started.”
Awareness of your emotional experience is essential to communication. Knowing how to communicate your emotions effectively avoids misinterpretation or saying something you don’t truly mean.
Utzinger also makes a point of not expecting people to give more than they can provide. Humans are inherently flawed; understanding your partner requires you to know their limitations. Utzinger uses the analogy of a ladder.
Each aspect of a person can be placed on a ladder. If your partner doesn’t know how to save money, they’d place low on the ladder. If your partner never goes over budget, they’d place higher. “It gets further and further. There's people you would go socialize and do stuff with, but you might not tell them your deepest secret. And then up here, there's your close bosom friends who you can talk to about anything," explains Utzinger.
Knowing where each aspect of your partner lies on the ladder is important. If you know your partner is conflict-avoidant, don’t expect them to talk to you immediately. If your partner is forgetful, don’t expect them to suddenly have a photographic memory. “We expect so much of people,” says Utzinger, “and we expect that everyone can be up at the top of the ladder.”
Similarly, couples are best at communicating when they know what styles work best for them. Utzinger explains how here’s three main communication styles. There's conflict is avoidant, collaborative, and volatile.
Conflict avoidant is when you prefer to give each other space, and let the situation settle. It's also easy for those who possess this communication style to shut others down and avoid confrontation. Collaborative is when the best solution to solving an issue is to talk about it, and exchange ideas before coming to a resolution. Those with a volatile communication style tend to be fighters, more passionate disputers. Volatile communication style prefers to give a conflict an immediate resolution. “There's nothing wrong with any of those conflict styles. But if you are a mismatch with your romantic partner, it's a big problem,” says Utzinger.
Learning about your partner's communication style is important to know how to go about conflicts. Pushing your partner to communicate the way you want them to will only push them away. As a couple, figuring out what works best for your relationship is important.
Making it Work
Effort is universally recognized as a key factor that can impact a relationship, regardless of whether you believe in the 50/50 or 100/100 approach.
“Find someone that's gonna make you laugh. Find something that's going to be supportive of you,” says Annie See, who’s been married for 15 years to her husband, Michael See. “Find someone that you can actually grow with, not grow apart.”
Loving someone is easy, but making it work can be a challenge. Annie and Michael See currently work at Delta High School [Tri-Cities] but were long-distance for five years. During that time, Annie See lived in Tri-Cities, WA, while Michael See lived in Bozeman, MT. “It's an eight-hour drive. So taking all that stuff into consideration, the lesson I learned was to just simply cheer them [your partner] on, and be supportive, talk to him that open on his line of communication so that you could still be in that healthy relationship,” says Annie See.
Letting your partner know you’re there for them when you aren't physically there helps create a sense of togetherness. You want your partner to succeed. Learn how to support your partner and learn to be there for them.
This extends past long-distance relationships. Having a kid changes the dynamic.“Still that communication, especially when you start running on caffeine and sarcasm and lack of sleep,” says Annie See.
Relationships go outside of understanding and communication. Couples need to be aware of external factors.
Student Services Coordinator for the Assistant Professor in the Communications Department, Joshua Nelson-Ichido, and Asia University America Program, Mai Nelson-Ichido, have been in a relationship since 2006. They didn’t officially marry until October 2009.
They met while Joshua was in Japan for a Japanese second language program. Living in different countries and places around the United States, they’ve come to learn the impact of external factors. “The reality of things like finances, and location, and things like that,” says Joshua. “Being able to address those and acknowledge when they're not working for the relationship.”
Relationionshops extend beyond the love aspect. It's simple for couples to ignore these factors because they might not feel controllable. The importance of acknowledging when something isn’t working will help solve issues. Relationships require the occasional assessment.
Joshua Nelson-Ichido reflects on their time living in Michigan and how that impacted their relationship. “I think may have if we had stayed there any longer in those long winters, probably would have caused a lot of turmoil, a lot more turmoil in our relationship and family structure.”
Always Learning
Utzinger encourages couples to learn about each other early in the relationship and seek counseling. “The odds are stacked against us. Because, like I said, people are coming in on the brink of divorce, oftentimes. And so sometimes it's too late to undo all the damage that's been done,” says Utzinger.
Learning and fixing issues early on increases the chance of a successful relationship. Seeking help doesn't necessarily mean you’re failing. The stigma of going to therapy because you’re failing typically leads to issues never truly being resolved; it leads to failure.“Usually, people don't come into therapy unless they've been having trouble for like six years,” says Utzinger.
Having a relationship coach helps young and old couples navigate aspects of their relationship that they can explore. It prevents issues you may not catch yet and helps learn new communication styles. It ensures everyone is on the same page.
Every relationship is different. While some relationships require better communication, others may need to work on understanding outside factors. Regardless of the situation you and your partner are in, it's about catering to what your relationship needs that will help it succeed.