Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!
Story by Yajaira Perez & Bailey Tomlinson | Photos by Kassandra Eller | Design by Katie Jo Stewart
“Spank me, slap me, choke me, bite me," as Doja Cat says. Many of us may have secret desires involving sex. In an environment of freedom and discovery, sex can be pleasurable, desirable, tense, adventurous and safe. Normalizing conversations with our partners about desires, needs, wants and outcomes can potentially lead to more pleasure and safer experiences. So can being honest with ourselves about our own wants and needs.
Sex should not be uncomfortable. Sex is pleasurable. Sex is funny. Sex is adventurous.
Let’s Be Real
The only exposure most of us have to sex is through sex education in grade school and high school, which tends to focus on sexually transmitted infections, practicing safe sex with condoms and maybe the topic of consent.
You might also learn about sex from the internet and television. But shows and films may stereotype or exaggerate sex. A 2016 study published in the journal Sexualization, Media, & Society found that 86% of films connect sexual activity with substance use and 91% of characters in films use enhancement products during sexual scenes, such as sex toys, sexual lubricant, costumes and food consumption during intercourse.
Pornography found online also tends to involve sexual activity and sex videos that are highly fantasized. Many gravitate to porn as their first exposure to sex, which can be harmful and deceiving, according to Marissa Howat, CWU Wellness Center director. “Pornography is not a real depiction of sex,” she says. “The more you use pornography, the less sexual gratification you get in your actual relationships.”
According to the experts, in order to have a more pleasurable, memorable and desirable experience during sex, you must communicate before, during and after sex. Assuming for your partner, instead of talking to each other, can lead to an unpleasurable sexual experience. A lack of communication with your partner can pose underlying risks that can be avoided.
“You are risking the other person experiencing harm and that, to me, is the greatest risk in a sexual encounter that does not involve communication,” says Wellness Center Health Promotion Coordinator for Violence Prevention and Response, Katie Parks.
You cannot assume comfort. You cannot assume safety. You cannot assume sex. Communication before, during and after sex may seem embarrassing or even unnecessary, yet these same conversations prevent sexual assault and nonconsensual sex. Being on the same page is the most important outcome that needs to be met within these conversations, especially if you want to act out a fetish or have multiple partners.
Knowing yourself, your own feelings and your needs can also be key. PULSE spoke with two students (who both requested anonymity due to the intimate nature of the conversations) about their wildest and most unusual sexual experiences to see how communication with partners and honesty with oneself is important in any sexual scenario.
Before Sex
People want to have sex for different reasons. For example, one person may want to have sex to distract themselves from finals while their partner may want to have sex to feel a sense of closeness.
Having a conversation with your partner on your desires and reasonings for having sex can eliminate confusion and assumptions, and welcome an overall better experience for both of you.
Sometimes communication can be with yourself, and understanding your own needs and desires.
“I definitely tried to really normalize sex to myself,” says one student. “I put such a high importance on it before I came to college, and I didn’t feel that I had as much control over sex as I wanted before I came to college. My experiences were not good, and then I came to college and I was like, ‘I’m taking control of this, I want to have a positive outlook on this.’”
This student says that when they came to college, they adopted the attitude of ‘Sex is sex, that’s it.’ “If I was horny, I had sex. I was sitting there like, ‘Someone else at this college is going to want to have sex. So, if I want to have sex, I’m going to have sex,” the student says.
After following this mantra for the duration of their college experience, the student says they have had some wild experiences, including a four-way with three cowboys they met at the Ellensburg Rodeo. Lately, though, their mindset has begun to change.
“I think there was a big realization afterwards how little it meant,” the student says. “After I did that I was like, ‘That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever done’… The only way that I could beat that is actually having sex with someone I cared about. Like, actually having an emotional connection and having sex with the same person is the only thing I could actually do to beat that. And I recognized that almost immediately afterwards.”
During Sex
Do not be shy. Sex is not just about the other person, it is also about you. Communicating during sex is needed to establish safety, both physically and emotionally.
Communicating to your partner, both verbally and nonverbally, during sex about what feels good, what hurts, what you like and what you dislike can eliminate confusion and discomfort. Keep in mind that consent is needed verbally to continue or try something new during sex.
Clear communication is especially important when trying new things, or when practicing certain kinks or fetishes that require more frequent and open communication, says a student who has been doing bondage for around six years.
They discovered they had a fetish for Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) while looking at porn videos online, and then did research to learn how to safely act out their fantasies with a partner.
“I went and learned BDSM etiquette, safety stuff. I didn’t just buy rope and chains and say to my girlfriend, ‘Alright, here you go, you’re tied up now,’” the student says. “I did a fair bit of research. I was also with a pretty serious partner at the time, and I cared about my partner and didn’t want them to get hurt or, in an extreme scenario, die.”
The student says that there are two aspects to what turns them on regarding bondage: the aesthetic appeal of a bound body and the inherent power dynamic in binding your partner.
Another aspect of bondage that appeals to them is the intimacy of the time immediately before a bondage session, when they and their partner have to spend time setting it all up. For somebody to be bound during a session, they must willingly sit there while the person binding them ties all the knots.
For students who may be interested in exploring a bondage fetish, or similar fetishes, this student recommends doing thorough research before involving a partner.
They recommend seeking articles on the subject, forums dedicated to kink know-how and video tutorials that are not pornographic in nature. “You can get videos of people that are teaching you to do the knots and if you go to like any tutorial, whether it’s an article or a webpage that has step-by-step or a video, all of them are going to talk about the safety precautions,” the student says.
These safety precautions include things like keeping safety scissors within easy reach to immediately release a bound partner, keeping an amount of slack in the tied rope to ensure circulation isn’t being cut off anywhere and recognizing certain points in the body that aren’t as safe for binding.
“And then also, talk with your partner about what they’re comfortable with,” the student says. “Safe words are important. Be ready to stop immediately and get your partner out of whatever situation. And from the other perspective, I’d say, be willing to communicate everything. Even if you’re gagged, work out some way to communicate.”
The student says that it is critical to keep in mind that while the person who is not bound has the power in that situation, the person who is bound should have full control of the situation.
After Sex
After your experience, it is beneficial to talk with your partner. What aroused you the most? What made you feel uncomfortable? Did you enjoy the experience?
These general questions, and the continuing conversation, will open a door of vulnerability and a sense of safety with your partner. Topics about future desires, fetishes and the topic of incorporating sex toys will make your experience more pleasurable for the future.
“The better the communication you have, the more potential there is for gratification and pleasure," Howat says. These conversations, though they may be awkward at first, are necessary to build safety both emotionally and physically.
The student who had the experience in a four-way learned something personal from that experience, a realization they only came to after the fact.
“After that, I was just like, yeah, partying doesn’t really appeal. It was such a high, but I was sitting there afterwards like, ‘I don’t think I need any more after that. I have my crazy college story, and now I think I’m ready to just mature,’” the student says. “I don’t know why something that dramatic had to happen for me to be ready to calm down, to settle down, but it really made me feel that I was sexually as mature as I had mentally matured.”
Resources
Help and support is available for all CWU students. “If you’re not sure about an experience or you think you might have experienced something nonconsensual, don’t be afraid to reach out to P.A.T.H.," says Parks.
P.A.T.H. (Prevention, Advocacy, Training, Healing) is a confidential program that is directly connected to the Wellness Center to provide support services to anyone who has experienced sexual assault, domestic violence, stalking or harassment.
ASPEN (Abuse Support & Prevention Education Now)
Services for intimate partner violence and sexual assault victims
220 W 4th Ave., Ellensburg
(509)925-9384
Ellensburg Community Health Clinic
Free medical clinic 1st & 3rd Saturday of the month from 9-12 p.m.
611 S. Chestnut Suite A, Ellensburg
(509) 929- 7266
Planned Parenthood
312 N Pine, Ellensburg
(509) 925-7113
