Wishful Thinking: Unsuccessful Lives of Crime

Pulse Perspectives by By Brian Valencia

We’ve all seen movies and shows where criminals have an above-average IQ. Gustavo Fring in “Breaking Bad,” The Master in “Doctor Who” and Jigsaw from the “Saw” series are examples of glorified villain intelligence.

What if I told you most criminals aren’t all that smart? You may have the occasional criminal who gets away from the law, but criminals are criminals for a reason. This isn't written to encourage you to steal a car while leaving your address on the crime scene to be caught easily, but here’s a few of the dumbest criminals the world has to offer for your enjoyment.

Pick Your Battles

Oregon man Derrick Mosley is a prime example of someone who didn’t pick the right battle. When you’re planning on robbing a gun store, what weapon might you consider bringing? Perhaps not a baseball bat.

Mosley walked in and smashed a display case. He was looking to steal a handgun. The store manager quickly drew his own handgun and ordered Mosley to drop his baseball bat, 9-inch knife and stolen gun. When Oregon police arrived, Mosley was on the floor at gunpoint.

This story made me laugh pretty hard. When in the process of planning, did he think this was a good idea?

Here’s a sweet link to read more.

Hey, You Forgot Something!

Brian Garfield Fort decided to go for a nice meal with some of his pals in Cobb County’s Juicy Crab. He also decided to run a $100 bill without paying.

After the police replied to the dine and dash, they found his phone in the booth. No need to unlock the phone because the lock screen was a selfie of himself. This made it easier to identify who it was. An employee at Juicy Crab also got a picture of his license plate before he took off. It didn’t take long before the license plate reader found his home in Brookhaven.

It was discovered that Fort was actually wanted for murder. To add insult to injury, Fort was previously arrested after being spotted carrying a shotgun outside of a high school during a football game.

I wonder if Fort went, “ah dude, I left my phone there, maybe they can track me.” I feel like he definitely knew the jig was up.

Here’s a link if you want to read more.

Don’t Count On Your Victims

18-year-old Chicago man Ruben Zarate is a criminal who might lack a bit of common sense. Zarate walked into “Velasquez Mufflers For Less” with a revolver at 8 a.m.

He threatened the shop employees and demanded they open the safe and hand over the cash. The employees told him it was impossible because they didn’t know how to get in. According to them, the only one who knew the code was the store owner, who wasn’t coming anytime soon.

Any sane criminal would've moved on, but Zarate wanted the cash of that safe. He left his phone number with an employee and told them to call him when the owner showed up. After Zarate left, they called the police.

The employees called Zarate and told him the boss arrived, but he had the police waiting for him. A shootout started, and Zarate was arrested.

You know, why not leave? If I were him, I'd take the L and move on. You’re not getting safe. I also wonder if the case was too big to carry out. Maybe take the thing and worry about opening it later.

At Least Make Your Disguise Good

Dennis Hawkins, a 48-year-old Pittsburgh man (which is important to the story), robbed a bank using a BB gun he’d stolen from a nearby K-Mart.

Hawkins fled the bank with an undisclosed amount of money. While investigating the crime, the police got a tip from a nearby gas station about Hawkins trying to steal a woman's vehicle. He was wearing a woman's disguise so poorly the tip fit his description.

Once police arrived, they found Hawkins wearing a woman's disguise. He was wearing a blond wig, fake breasts, and clown pants. To make this story better, Hawkins didn’t even bother shaving. Maybe he thought the wig would be enough.

The woman allegedly reported Hawkins after he broke into her car. She grabbed her keys and left him in her parked car.

Fourth wall broke again, but why didn’t he get out? How did he successfully rob the bank if he’s this stupid? I have so many questions.

Here’s more on the story.

My Thoughts?

There’s no moral to any of these stories. We do not encourage committing any kind of crime, whether for recognition or otherwise, but it can certainly be entertaining to take a look at those that fell short of their criminal ambition.